A short list of TV shows I will never watch. Ever.
I was trying to decide what to write about today, and then TV stepped in to help.
I watch a lot of crap. I’m not a TV snob by any means. I can happily watch comedies, dramas, reality, news, documentaries, or any other genre. (What happened to Glitterball with the impossible word searches where the answers were all the most obscure things connected to the clue?! That shit was awesome!) Most days I watch a combination of all of those. (And before anyone attempts to pass judgement, I’m a devourer across media — I also get through plenty of books, newspapers, magazines, and journals. I don’t go out to see movies, but I watch them on DVD. On occasion I go to the theatre, though I’m usually happier to read a play. And I still find time to listen to music.)
Yet, in spite of all of this, there are many shows I will never watch. There are shows that do not now, nor will they ever, appeal to me. Here are a few of them:
1. Ashley Banjo’s Secret Street Crew (Sky 1)
This is the show that actually inspired this listicle. The ads for it just do nothing for me. Maybe annoy me a little, but they don’t even inspire any sort of righteous anger. Shows like this make me think a channel accidentally signed a contract with somebody who turned out a bit dull, so they’re frantically trying to put the poor sap in some extra shows so they can end the damn thing.
I’m going to make this stand for all dance-related shows. I don’t watch any of them, either. I’ll sit through a dance show if it’s live, but I’ll put the news on for background noise over any of the dance reality offerings.
2. Songs of Praise (BBC 1)
How is this show on in 2012? Seriously. This baffles me. It’s probably my super-secular background (we’re all big on that whole separation of church and state thing where I come from), but this just seems like such a weird thing to not be on one of those weird God-bothering channels.
3. One Born Every Minute (Channel 4)
I don’t get why people watch this. Is it for the high drama of hospital reality? Is it for some cooing paternal instinct? Is it for the chance to maybe see some vag? Maybe this will appeal to me at some point when we have kids, but even then… probably not. I like a good medical show — have you watched the online surgeries? They’re awesome! — but watching babies get born every fucking week… No.
4. Springwatch/Autumnwatch (BBC 2)
This amuses me, but in a ‘why do people watch it and try to assign drama to it’ kind of way. I was watching some clip show and they were going on about some highly dramatic moment about a baby bird maybe not being able to fly and how they were on the edge of their seats and then the next day the bird was gone and had flown off. Really?! That’s what happens in your back garden and is a pain in the ass because you have to keep the cats in so they don’t go out and eat all the dumb ass birds that keep falling out of the tree. It’s not, however, compelling TV.
5. Martina Cole’s Lady Killers (ITV 3)
This is like ol’ Ashley up there. It is standing in for any number of programmes (almost all on ITV channels) that are titled in the “Author Author’s Title Title” format and that all seem to be bad crime drama, some of which are even meant to be documentary, somehow. These are shows that aren’t good enough to be either a single TV movie or a series, and that will only get viewers by announcing that it’s got something to do with the author of a book that you saw somebody read on the bus.