A short list of TV shows I will never watch. Ever.

I was trying to decide what to write about today, and then TV stepped in to help.

I watch a lot of crap. I’m not a TV snob by any means. I can happily watch comedies, dramas, reality, news, documentaries, or any other genre. (What happened to Glitterball with the impossible word searches where the answers were all the most obscure things connected to the clue?! That shit was awesome!) Most days I watch a combination of all of those. (And before anyone attempts to pass judgement, I’m a devourer across media — I also get through plenty of books, newspapers, magazines, and journals. I don’t go out to see movies, but I watch them on DVD. On occasion I go to the theatre, though I’m usually happier to read a play. And I still find time to listen to music.)

Yet, in spite of all of this, there are many shows I will never watch. There are shows that do not now, nor will they ever, appeal to me. Here are a few of them:


1. Ashley Banjo’s Secret Street Crew (Sky 1)

Ashley Banjo, I'm guessing. It could be Gary Guitar.

This is the show that actually inspired this listicle. The ads for it just do nothing for me. Maybe annoy me a little, but they don’t even inspire any sort of righteous anger. Shows like this make me think a channel accidentally signed a contract with somebody who turned out a bit dull, so they’re frantically trying to put the poor sap in some extra shows so they can end the damn thing.

I’m going to make this stand for all dance-related shows. I don’t watch any of them, either. I’ll sit through a dance show if it’s live, but I’ll put the news on for background noise over any of the dance reality offerings.


2. Songs of Praise (BBC 1)

This guy is one of the presenters, I think. He's standing in a church, and has some sort of ghost-y methane cloud behind him.

How is this show on in 2012? Seriously. This baffles me. It’s probably my super-secular background (we’re all big on that whole separation of church and state thing where I come from), but this just seems like such a weird thing to not be on one of those weird God-bothering channels.


3. One Born Every Minute (Channel 4)

*Spoiler Alert* The kid is born.

I don’t get why people watch this. Is it for the high drama of hospital reality? Is it for some cooing paternal instinct? Is it for the chance to maybe see some vag? Maybe this will appeal to me at some point when we have kids, but even then… probably not. I like a good medical show — have you watched the online surgeries? They’re awesome! — but watching babies get born every fucking week… No.


4. Springwatch/Autumnwatch (BBC 2)

They like sitting watching CCTV videos of birds. Perverts.

This amuses me, but in a ‘why do people watch it and try to assign drama to it’ kind of way. I was watching some clip show and they were going on about some highly dramatic moment about a baby bird maybe not being able to fly and how they were on the edge of their seats and then the next day the bird was gone and had flown off. Really?! That’s what happens in your back garden and is a pain in the ass because you have to keep the cats in so they don’t go out and eat all the dumb ass birds that keep falling out of the tree. It’s not, however, compelling TV.


5. Martina Cole’s Lady Killers (ITV 3)

This reminds me of the Songs of Praise dude. Is this Martina Cole? She looks mean.

This is like ol’ Ashley up there. It is standing in for any number of programmes (almost all on ITV channels) that are titled in the “Author Author’s Title Title” format and that all seem to be bad crime drama, some of which are even meant to be documentary, somehow. These are shows that aren’t good enough to be either a single TV movie or a series, and that will only get viewers by announcing that it’s got something to do with the author of a book that you saw somebody read on the bus.

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About jeninher30s

A writer and procrastinator.

6 responses to “A short list of TV shows I will never watch. Ever.”

  1. vivisunoriginal says :

    Glee didn’t make the list, I am taking this to mean that you’re actually a closet fan…they do some great covers you know.

    • jeninher30s says :

      Unlike my brother, I’m not a fan of ‘that Glee show’. I watched the first episode when it first came on, and the only bit I liked was when they said cunt, but then it turned out it wasn’t actually cunt.

  2. Paul says :

    Ha, springwatch. Songs of praise makes me want to poke people in the eyes and run away.. shocking!

    • jeninher30s says :

      Last year they did a special Christmas thing of the season watch thing, because what we needed was more absolutely dreadfully boring TV over the holidays.

  3. ethelthedean says :

    Good list! I’ve never heard of #1 but it sounds like a made up spoof name. Who vets these projects? I think my list would start with LOST. I’ve never had any desire to watch and I know it’s loved by millions, but I just can’t be bothered.

    • jeninher30s says :

      I tried to give Lost a chance, but just didn’t like it. Then it got all up it’s own ass, and then the Lost fans crawled even further up there, and I refused to acknowledge it. (In all of this, I somehow ended up putting Lost and that movie with Tom Hanks and the volleyball in my brain as a single, terrible bit of overhyped crap.)

      As for Ashley Banjo and his Secret Street Crew (why does it have to be secret?!?)… I wish it was actually a spoof (like the brilliantly named A Touch of Cloth, which I’m looking forward to).

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