Big ideas, little pockets
Since the new year started earlier in the week, I’ve been trying to decide what to write about. I need to write more, and that’s got to mean being less picky about what I write and how I write it. In the midst of that, I started thinking about resolutions. I’ve read a few other articles that people had written about various professional and life resolutions and started thinking about my own. The problem is that I don’t make resolutions as such.
The last resolution I made failed miserably, as they always do. It, as the others, was followed by the self-hating pity party that I seem to fall ass-backwards into at the slightest failure. Resolutions don’t encourage me to be better, they are inevitably one more thing for me to fail.
So instead of that, I’ve started coming to terms with my long list of unfinished projects. I’m terribly about that. The house is littered with half-finished, barely started, or nearly complete projects. Things like scanning in photos from old photo albums, crocheting all sorts of things, cross stitch scraps, making cushions for the living room, and pretty much every variety of craft project you can think of. My problem is that I quit as soon as it gets a bit boring, or difficult, or I’ve made the slightest error, or if something better comes along. I also have an unfinished PhD thesis, novel, and website designs for the same reasons.
I’m making this year’s goal to finish things. And if there’s no chance I’m going to finish something, accept it and let go.
I want to clear the decks for the rest of my life. I keep coming up with all sorts of great big ideas. Things that would give me a proper purpose, rather than just this floating about bit of everything type of life I’ve settled into. I struggle to identify what I ‘am’ anymore. I don’t write enough to call myself a writer, and I haven’t edited anything in ages. I’m not currently a student, and I’m nowhere close to being any sort of housewife. I do a bit of admin to help Adam, but I’m not any great part of the business. I’m a bit of everything, but all of nothing.
I’ve come to terms with what I want out of life. It involves property, though, which is some way off. It involves being my own boss, but in a very specific way. But I can’t get to that goal with everything up in the air. Not just because I’m not bringing any money into the household at the moment and that makes things hard in the whole mortgage-getting scheme of things. It’s also a matter of not being able to focus on what I actually want when for the past decade or so I’ve been starting and not finishing.
I used to consider myself a ‘fixer’. I had a knack for walking into something that was an utter shambles and pulling it together, getting it into shape, and then walking away. I could streamline procedures, update systems, and generally put broken bits back together. Then, when I was bored of the whole thing, I’d hand it over to somebody else. That next person would be there for the results and the glory. I couldn’t take it, though. I needed the glory. Unfortunately, I wasn’t any good at being the one to take over. I’d still see the problems.
For 2012, I want to try to move past these mental blocks. I want to pull myself out of the pit of pessimism and perfectionism. I want to finish things, even if they aren’t as good as I want them to be. I will finish a load of lopsided throws, accept defeat on the scanning project, and start figuring out how to convince a bank to give us enough money for a chunk of land on which I can build the dream.