Big ideas, little pockets

Since the new year started earlier in the week, I’ve been trying to decide what to write about. I need to write more, and that’s got to mean being less picky about what I write and how I write it. In the midst of that, I started thinking about resolutions. I’ve read a few other articles that people had written about various professional and life resolutions and started thinking about my own. The problem is that I don’t make resolutions as such.

The last resolution I made failed miserably, as they always do. It, as the others, was followed by the self-hating pity party that I seem to fall ass-backwards into at the slightest failure. Resolutions don’t encourage me to be better, they are inevitably one more thing for me to fail.

So instead of that, I’ve started coming to terms with my long list of unfinished projects. I’m terribly about that. The house is littered with half-finished, barely started, or nearly complete projects. Things like scanning in photos from old photo albums, crocheting all sorts of things, cross stitch scraps, making cushions for the living room, and pretty much every variety of craft project you can think of. My problem is that I quit as soon as it gets a bit boring, or difficult, or I’ve made the slightest error, or if something better comes along. I also have an unfinished PhD thesis, novel, and website designs for the same reasons.

I’m making this year’s goal to finish things. And if there’s no chance I’m going to  finish something, accept it and let go.

I want to clear the decks for the rest of my life. I keep coming up with all sorts of great big ideas. Things that would give me a proper purpose, rather than just this floating about bit of everything type of life I’ve settled into. I struggle to identify what I ‘am’ anymore. I don’t write enough to call myself a writer, and I haven’t edited anything in ages. I’m not currently a student, and I’m nowhere close to being any sort of housewife. I do a bit of admin to help Adam, but I’m not any great part of the business. I’m a bit of everything, but all of nothing.

I’ve come to terms with what I want out of life. It involves property, though, which is some way off. It involves being my own boss, but in a very specific way. But I can’t get to that goal with everything up in the air. Not just because I’m not bringing any money into the household at the moment and that makes things hard in the whole mortgage-getting scheme of things. It’s also a matter of not being able to focus on what I actually want when for the past decade or so I’ve been starting and not finishing.

I used to consider myself a ‘fixer’. I had a knack for walking into something that was an utter shambles and pulling it together, getting it into shape, and then walking away. I could streamline procedures, update systems, and generally put broken bits back together. Then, when I was bored of the whole thing, I’d hand it over to somebody else. That next person would be there for the results and the glory. I couldn’t take it, though. I needed the glory. Unfortunately, I wasn’t any good at being the one to take over. I’d still see the problems.

For 2012, I want to try to move past these mental blocks. I want to pull myself out of the pit of pessimism and perfectionism. I want to finish things, even if they aren’t as good as I want them to be. I will finish a load of lopsided throws, accept defeat on the scanning project, and start figuring out how to convince a bank to give us enough money for a chunk of land on which I can build the dream.

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About jeninher30s

A writer and procrastinator.

3 responses to “Big ideas, little pockets”

  1. vivisunoriginal says :

    Strangely the blog that I’ve had in my head for the past week or so also concerns identity, it’s something that fascinates me and something that I really struggled with after my divorce – I didn’t know who I was anymore, all my adult life I’d been one half of a couple and the loss of that part of my identity was actually a bigger loss than not having a husband anymore. Not long after my husband and I split up I had a very long, very late night conversation with a friend; after listening to me waffling on he gave me a very good piece of advice – to stop worrying about who or what I was and just get on with being me – a few weeks later I enrolled with OU and started the journey I’m on now. On New Year’s Eve I got the chance to thank him; it was quite an emotional moment.

  2. Jess says :

    You’re a scanner. I totally understand. I’m exactly the same way. It’s frustrating for me and Steve both. More him though I think 😉

  3. stumblingupwards says :

    You’re what is commonly called an Everyman. Although obviously, not a man. Some might unkindly say a Jack of All Trades. That flexibility is not a bad thing, those who can change and evolve survive longest. You just need an outlet, a paying one, for those multiple skills.Unfortunately I can’t see you working for someone who isn’t finely tuned to your wavelength so you should be your own boss as you pointed out. I have a book you should borrow. It exposes the problems in being organised and tidy and extols the virtues of creative mess. Don’t under estimate the contribution of being a bit of everything and all of nothing. Think eggs and baskets. Spread bet your input and you won’t risk so much. In the present economic climate you’ll be hard pressed to find a full time position anywhere so being able to turn your hand to a selection of roles will help you find a combination of part time jobs that will pay more than one full time one would. You’ll win through. It’s not in your nature to fail.

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